2001-11-22 12:06 a.m.
I really would like to write a regular entry and download and unload all that is on my mind today. Another day of bitterness and anger and fear and tears and frustration. I've got to get some drugs or counseling or something to really get me out of this funk.
But, this is Thanksgiving and there is so much to be thankful for that I don't want to bitch when this is a day of gratitude.
First and foremost, I am thankful I have a wonderful husband. This has been the hardest year of our marriage, no doubt, but I compare him to any man I know and I find none that measure up to him in love, caring, intelligence, sense of humor, ability, honesty, fidelity, and compatibility with me. I am thankful he loves me and wants to be married to me, even through these hard times.
I am thankful I live in Austin. Today I pondered, just for a moment, the possibility of living in Dallas part-time for the sake of a job there. I cannot fathom doing that. I want to drive up MoPac and look in my rearview mirror and see the UT Tower shining in the setting sun. I want to see guys on unicycles with dreadlocks and girls with tattoos and purple hair. I need the oaks and the water and the music.
This year I have been particularly thankful for girlfriends. I have never had close girlfriends. I never had that close confident in elementary school that you shared your secrets and discoveries about human reproduction. I didn't have the high school friend that I could stay on the phone with for hours. I have always been a loner. My friend Beth was the first true exception to the missing best friend. She continues to be my closest friend and only distance separates us. My friend Perfect C has become an even better friend over this year despite her job taking her to California more than it keeps her here close by. She had been the eternal sounding board and support through lots this year. She is classy and cool and I learn lots from her. Grace was a casual friend in Dallas and then she resparked our friendship three years ago with a Chrismtas card and a call. Now we both live in Austin, and even though we are on opposite sides of the city and her hands are full with babies, we have gotten closer this year and I wouldn't trade her listening ear either. This year has also brought Jill down from Dallas and it seems that we are almost back to the friendship level we had in Dallas. She has a dramatically different lifestyle from me, she won't be the one that I take along to the Continental Club, but we share West Texas roots (pity hers are in sand from Lubbock) and we have a long history of caring. And I can't forget R, the acupunturist. Weird to become such good friends with someone who sees you practically naked and sticks pins in you, but she knows me well, listens and counsels and has been a wonderful, compassionate, caring individual through this year. I would like our friendship to progress to even more companionship and activity, but it is very good for now. I am thankful this year for my girlfriends. And those are just the major ones---this year has really blessed me with friends.
I am thankful I have a job in these hard economic times. I will leave it at that for now.
I am thankful for my great parents who don't pester us to visit or to be there for holidays or to call, but welcome us with open arms and let us know they love our visits and our calls. I will miss them the most this Thanksgiving.
It may sound stupid but I am thankful for this sweet kitty Nathan Jr. I love my dogs and even my fish and I am thankful for them and the bright spot they bring to my day but Nathan adds so much more than I could have ever imagined a cat, or any animal, could add. I love falling asleep with my hand on his fur, or his fur on top of my head, like he used to do. I love waking up and petting and playing with him before I have to get up. I am thankful to see what all the fuss is about when it comes to cats.
I am thankful I'm healthy. One of my new year's resolutions was to make this a healthier year. It wasn't phenomenolly healthy but it was an improvement. I lost at least 15 pounds this year, missed a week of work with that darn laryngitis in January but I never was "sick" through the year. With the exception of the last four days or so I think the depression has been under control.
I could go on and on about the things I am grateful and thankful for. I try not to take any of it for granted: Running water, a big deep bathtub and plenty of hot water, a wonderful patio, cable internet, a new computer, friends in far flung places, a warm dry place to sleep, a country where music is not illegal...
I am thankful, too, to have this outlet for writing. For the creative and emotional outlet it provides, it doesn't really matter if there is a reader on the other end or not, but I know there is, and for that, too, I am thankful. Thank you for reading, happy Thanksgiving.