I got back last night from my second trip to Dallas. Originally, the doctor expected Daddy to be in ICU for two days and then a regular room for the rest of a week. But Dad is still sedated, on a ventilator and in ICU after ten days. I hope they can wean him from the vent today. They tried several times last week and decided he wasn't up to it. On Wednesday, they did take the vent completely out, but then had to re-intubate him because he wasn't breathing well enough on his own. I suppose the surgery and his mouth and jaw are healing well (I haven't really heard much said about that), but his lungs are so bad from COPD that they aren't cooperating.

Mark is out of town and he had several dreams about Daddy. He said Daddy told him that he wanted them to take the vent out and if he couldn't breathe, so be it. He didn't want to live on a ventilator. I know that is true, but I also know that there is hope that they'll be able to take it out and he will be okay. Mother and I talked some yesterday about "at what point" do you take it out. Not yet, she said. She wondered if the doctors really should have even put it back in on Wednesday. That probably falls under the "heroid measures" that Daddy's living will or DNR prohibits, but, of course, we're glad they did (sort of). It is a hard time and I am totally depressed and cried a lot while I was with Daddy alone yesterday.

I'm depressed about so many things right now and Daddy is just the catalyst for it all seeming so much worse. Friday was the last day for my favorite promotions person/friend and for our traffic director and my friend. They are the two I rely on for gossip and a visit and friendship at work. Except for my traffic reporter, I have no one left to visit with each day and that makes for a lonely workplace. I cried, seriously, all afternoon Friday. I wrote a card for Scotty and bawled as I wrote it and then cried on the air and then cried when she came in to say goodbye. I love the girl that is taking her place, but I just feel like everything is changing.

I looked on a phone list of our company from two months ago and found that 15 people have been fired or quit and that probably isn't all of them since I don't know some of the salespeople that have quit. There is a hiring freeze and they just don't seem to care. And I guess they don't, plus they are covering their ass, because the company is going to maybe start the selling process today. The bids have to be in today. We'll see if we go to some investment group that sells us all individually or just destroys what we are. Or, of course, it could be good. Who knows what will happen?

I have also been stressed needlessly by an uncaring boss who hasn't helped me with the dilemma of having no bodies to put on the weekend shifts. Why I am in charge of this still after two months makes me very angry. I begged for help from the boss and he finally emailed a "is this taken care of?" email on Friday NIGHT. Yes, that helps a lot. I just had people voice the Saturday shift we couldn't cover. We may be doing a lot of that in future weeks. I don't know how we're going to cover Christmas and Thankgiving and if I am out of town for a week for a dead father's funeral, they are going to have to handle it on their own.

My friend the acupuncturist gave me a Rx for chinese herbs that were helping with this depression last week and then I lost the bottle! I have no idea where it disappeared to.

I miss my husband, too. He had to go out of town and he'll come home today, but he is really a comfort through all of this. Even though we haven't seen much of each other, he is calling to check in and being very compassionate.

We did have a very nice birthday party for my 19 year old nephew Saturday night. He is such a sweetheart. And the younger one is, too. My mother had the hit gift of the night with a "chalk bag" that my rock-climing nephew requested. She had a note that said "I don't know what a chalk bag is, but Ziplock bags have always worked well for me for many situations, so here is a Ziplock sandwich bag. And I didn't know what color of chalk you wanted, so I have given you a variety." It was a ziplock back with several little wornout pieces of colored chalk. We laughed so hard. She was so pleased with herself and laughed harder than any of us. B, who hardly ever laughs out loud, was howling and shaking. It was nice to laugh. I sure missed Daddy, though. We aren't supposed to have those kinds of celebrations without him.

He has also missed so much in my younger nephew's life in just these short ten days. C is the head drum major and my aunt, cousin, mom, sis and b-i-l, and I all went to see him compete in Duncanville in a marching competition. It was the first time I had seen him direct the band as head drum major and he was amazing! He was a performer, a dancer, a showman, not just a metronome. They came in first place and took home all sorts of extra awards. Then on the following Tuesday, Mark and I went to San Antonio to see his band compete in the State competition. There were 31 bands. We only got to see the prelims and they came in 3rd there. That night they competed again with the top 10 and they came in 7th. Pretty amazing year. He is SO SICK of marching and band. He may have marched for the last time, though, on Friday night's game. His team is in the playoffs and he had looked forward to marching in Texas stadium, but Friday night he has an orchestra concert for regional orchestra. That's ANOTHER big achievement he reached this week. He competed with 60 area trumpet players and only three were selected and he is second chair. And he has hardly had time to practice since he's the drum major and doesn't play every week like all the other kids do.

So I need to get ready for work and pick up the house and do so many things this morning. I may need to take Xanax before I even go today. My mind is going lots of different directions.