2001-02-10 10:30 pm
A little bummed
Now see? Some of frustrations with Mark are just bound to come out on the page (screen). I am aggravated with the man I love most and that is so frustrating. I'm seriously considering counseling of some kind again to help me deal with my jealousy, fears and desire for a calmer spirit.
I hope some of this still stems from being so sick. I went back to work this week but still do not have the voice I should and I have still had periods of feeling crummy. I had a wonderful trip to the acupuncturist Wednesday and needles in my face (yikes!) did amazing things for my sinuses. Conversation and counseling with her did wonders for my attitude, too. Her outlook is worth her fee. The acupuncture is the bonus.
Yesterday I met up with other Austin journalers. Always an interesting bunch. I missed some that have been at previous meetings and enjoyed meeting new journalers (to our group anyway). I skipped out on work and was the third one to arrive after Alice (www.3harpiesltd.com/alice/assume/) and Abbycat (www.mindspring.com/~mistercat/devil) and Michelle (www.obscurity.com/Michelle). Later came Greg (musicwhore.org), Puppy and wife (puppyvaugn.org) and Will (www.wannabejournals.com/~willpate). Was there anyone else? If so, they came after my third margarita and I was quite muddled.
Got talk gardening and books and travel with Puppy and wife and that was fun. Happy, intelligent people. A rarity, even in Austin. I also got to tell the love story of me and Mark which is always good for my perspective. Especially after this week of fear and jealousy.
I am jealous of a new friendship Mark has with a woman. I have many male friends. Friends I have lunch with, e-mail with, talk on the phone with. But I also have always worked in a male dominated business so these are mostly men I've worked with. The new woman in his life began as a groupie for the band, became a friend and now the two are even working together at a new job. I really don't mind them being friends and going to lunch but I don't like the frequent conversations on the telephone. I don't have any male friends that I pick up the phone and call on any sort of regular basis and maybe this is why it bothers me. Mark and I have discussed this and I am trying to keep my fears to myself. I trust him completely. I don't trust her at all.
This, I know, will resolve itself. I know I'll come back to this entry and will have forgotten that it happened at all. I hope that comes soon.
I've had some pretty good Austin days in the past week, which is what I should focus on rather than the bad moments. Last weekend when the paper announced that the first bluebonnet had been spotted, Mark and I went out in search. We didn't find any where the paper reported them but we found our own on the campus of St. Edward's University. They have beautiful patches in the spring and we found two stalks just beginning to bloom, not even a complete flower up the stalk yet.
Friday driving downtown I saw three bluebonnets blooming along I-35 and as the traffic crept along I saw lots of large bluebonnet plants. It is going to be a good year for the bluebonnets and that pleases me a lot.
Tuesday I ended up working in the daytime instead of my usual evening hours. Mark is doing some work with my company so he was at work while I was. When we finished the day we went to Town Lake and walked for two miles as the day ended and then ate dinner at Threadgill's. That was so nice.
And last night I went down Sixth and saw Roomful of Blues play at Lucy's Retired Surfer Bar. They have sure come down a lot from the days I saw them at the Caravan of Dreams in Fort Worth. They are still an excellent band despite lots of personnel changes.
Today I went back to work to make up for not working yesterday. I've needed a good nap all day and I haven't had one. Maybe I'll go to bed early. I think that is another reason I'm not quite "happy" right now---I am exhuasted. I have no good reason. No small children, no grueling job, no stress or pressure. My problem is a husband that only needs about six hours of sleep. I don't really rest until he comes to bed and when he gets up in the morning I usually can't sleep any longer, despite being tired. I need a good rest. He is out of town tonight so I hope I can catch up a little.