Estoy Nueces

That last entry was a long time ago. I had a successful speech in Comanche and then went on to Dallas. We ended up moving mother that week to her new place. It was hard and my sister did lots and lots of jumping up and down and yelling to make it happen. She was something else. She and I were going to take an art course back down here on Saturday morning. We knew our long fun weekend together was blown, but we still wanted to take the course so we got mother situated in her new place and then we left early early on Saturday morning and drove down, did the course, and then each drove on to our homes. It was a long day for us both, but I mainly just slept the rest of my weekend away. She went back to Mom's the next day and got it set up some more.

Then Monday Mom fainted on the way to breakfast and had to go to the hospital again. After week I was ready to head north and my sister said, no, wait until daytime. So I relaxed, had a cocktail, and then she called two hours later and said, no, maybe I'd better come on up. It sounded like Mom's heart might not make it to the next day. I dashed up on the dark roads. Got to the hospital and my sister said she'd meet me in the lobby --- That really scared me because I thought she was going to tell me Mother died. But, no, she was fine. She was in the hospital until Thursday so I stayed and spent each night there and let my sister go on home. I came back and worked on Friday.

So I had a whole week here at home and a normal work week while Mom was adjusting to her new place. She's been very ditzy and forgetful and they've had a disaster with her toilet not working -- gross. I'll be going back up this week for my sister's surgery and will check on mom of course. I keep hoping things will settle down, but they may never.

I read an article about "ambiguous grief" and I think I am suffering from it. I grieve the loss of my good husband and the life I had while I'm angry at who he is now. I've been very lonely and weepy this week.

Today I went to Smithville for the opening of a new bbq place owned by a friend of mine. Then I came back by the natural burial woods where I might want to be buried. That's where my cat Willie's ashes are scattered. Sweet boy. I talked to him while I was there.

Came home, couldn't motivate myself to do anything (again) and slept. Then I tried to go to Sam's Town Point to see Cornell and have a beer, but their parking lot was packed and I gave up fast.

I've gotten so unmotivated that I can't even get excited about listing what I WANT to do or need to do. I think about it and sort of look forward to doing it after work or on the weekend and then that time gets here and I just don't want to do anything.

That's kind of where I am right now. It's almost midnight so I could go to bed and read a while (well, except sheets are in the dryer and I do have to make the bed). I came in here to do a tiny bit of Cunningham upkeep but I can't get into that either.

It's a low time, that's for sure.