Estoy Nueces

I've been home almost 3 hours from a wonderful adventure to Lubbock for the weekend. I need to do my radio stuff and go to bed, but I am seriously dragging my feet. I've played solitaire, looked at Facebook, sorted every document and photo on my computer desktop, and now I'm finally at least doing something a little more productive. I need to mentally unpack a lot about the trip.

It was fun. No doubt it was fun. I felt a little isolated because I wasn't part of this close circle of friends and I always feel like the outlier. And I can't decide if I WANT to be part of these close circles. It seems like there is too much obligation for me to be in the in crowd. And the EXPENSE. I can't afford another trip like this for a few months even though it cost me next to nothing. But the clique can pick up the phone and buy tickets to a show without thinking about the cost at all. I was sitting there regretting sacrificing $40 for this particular show when I'd rather spend that much on other types of recreation.

At dinner last night JW, the actor, told a little story about telling his partner to quit criticizing him and how his partner can't help it. I sometimes felt that way with my friend. As we were leaving today she told me to take these two bottles of wine with me. I get to the car and first stand them up on the floorboard to free my hands to put the suitcase and bag in first before I secured the wine IN the bag I had. I set them down and DF, from the other side of the backseat, said "___ now those bottles are not going to ride that way all the way home, they are going to fall over." Well, duh. I think sometimes she is so used to being a mother she corrects and guides a bit too much. I wish I could slow down my reactions and instead of saying "I know" or biting back at her I could just pause and look at her and respond somehow so she knows that she's crossed a boundary.

She irritated me when the trip first started and I was taking Xanax to be able to drive 6 hours with her. Originally we were going to leave about 3. She wanted me to leave earlier because she didn't want to drive at night. I acquiesced and took off a half day. On Friday I went to get my oil changed and it took them for-fucking-ever to get my oil changed (but they did also put on the front plate --- but charged me for that and I thought that was petty). So I texted her and said everything was running late so I wouldn't be there at noon. She said well she would be there waiting (pressure). I get home and pull in the drive and she's in her car on the street and says "The back is open for you...." I said, well come inside a minute and see my house. She said "No, I want to get on the road as soon as possible." I said that I had to get my stuff and pee so she was going to have to wait a minute. I did have my bag packed, thank goodness (I had originally thought I'd have at least an hour to get ready). I grabbed a coke and came out, put the bag in the car and we were on the road. Then when we got back here today she came in to potty and saw the kitchen and said "Oh I like the yellow" but that was the only comment on anything she saw. Not even a comment on the Christmas tree.

I am very very very grateful right now to be home and be quiet and not have to talk. I wish I could have a day of rest from talking before I need to talk to someone again.

But in the morning I am going to see a new therapist. I keep feeling like I NEED a therapist, but who can afford a therapist, but that's one thing I need to work on and feel better about, and I don't want to look any up or contact any of them, but I found this guy and he actually emailed with me to set up this first appointment so we'll see. This short session is free to see if we like each other. I may give up the whole idea tomorrow. Half the time I think of a million things I'd like to unload onto someone else and half the time I know I'm smarter than everyone around me and I don't need therapy and half the time I realize I know nothing about fractions. I do think I could use some help figuring out who I am NOW and what I'm going to be for the next 20 years. Learning to accept that I am not a married woman and that I'm also not this freewheeling divorcee. He's a young guy. We'll see if we click, I guess. I need to think about it a bit more tonight and be ready to go to the appointment first thing tomorrow. I guess I can talk about my feelings about DH not looking at my house this weekend and TP never coming down and MS having not been here in a couple of years. All of that hurts my feelings!

Okay - I hope I can rip through these tracks and go to bed. I need it.