Wednesday, Jan. 31, 2018 9:09 am

New Year 2018

I probably haven't archived the old entries in several years. This diary just lies fallow and untouched (is that redundant?). I don't touch it. Yet, I don't write everything I feel in the handwritten one so I should turn here more than I do, especially since I am in "recovery." Am I in recovery? No, I don't think I'm recovering just yet.... but I am looking for my old self, my brave self, and hoping that I can recover her this year.

Mark was off to LA for a week for his annual NAMM show. I really enjoyed my solitude while he was gone. Freedom from anger and expectations. I just flowed with his dinners and adventures with LD while they were out there together.

When he got back Sunday night, I wondered if they would be having their "usual" Monday lunch. I never asked. He didn't volunteer. Maybe they did.

But here it is, Wednesday, and I did ask what his day looks like and he's having lunch with her. He has not gone out for a meal with me since... well, I'd have to look it up since it was before Christmas I think? Certainly not this year. I did look up my "meals out" for January and I had Alamo with Di and daughter, Applebee's before my uncle's funeral with the sister and b-i-l, and I think there was one more. I'll have to look it up again. If we had a meal together at all, it was at home in our own little spheres.

So I will go to Coda tonight and see what I can learn and share and absorb and witness. Maybe that will strengthen me for the coming days. I am reading Russell Brand's book about recovery and it is interesting and telling me more about the process than I knew before. Tonight I may buy the Coda book so I know what they say and what they recommend, too.

I really do want to have this DRIVE to write and create. I want to feel the need to sit down at this keyboard and not just puke out my troubles and my plans and my day, but to really write something that is interesting and creative and starts something or another. What does that mean? Novel, more genealogy? Personal letters to God?

Dear God:

I have been mostly a nonbeliever/believer for the last few years. That means I pray to you and feel your presence, yet don't believe that you exist or exist enough to help me. But I'm in this program where I am supposed to be seeking out this divine power or universal wisdom or something that is often labeled God and I am trying to figure that part out. I have no doubt that there is a great structure to our entire being and universe and though there may not be a magic hand guiding it all, there is a reason or a pattern or something that makes things happen as they do. How that is going to help me, I'm not sure. But boy I do recognize that "I am fucked" as Russell Brand says in his book. This has been a terrible year, decade, score, marriage, and my friends have suffered and I have suffered and though letting it all go is going to bring more suffering to me and to others, I have to consider it. But considering it is taking control and thinking I can know what I'm doing, right? So that's not what I'm supposed to do. Right now I am just recognizing that I am fucked and acknowledging that I am not managing it AT ALL. I just let it go and let it go and am agreeable and (used to be) always sweet and cooperative and I need to make it clear to me that what I am doing and what I have been doing does not work. Then, Step 3, I have to not only acknowledge that lack of control, but realize that there is a structure or a guidance or a spirit that CAN guide me through this if I would let them. I have a lot of things to understand and write and think about, but first I just have to "let go and let ..." whatever ... be the controller and just relax into it and let it happen as it should, not as I try to control it. I can't control me, I can't control him. Let it go let it go let it go..... Wait, I think Paul (McCartney, not the apostle) said "Let it be, let it be, let it be." That is going to be my mantra for the year. I have been WAITING for that word or mantra and that is obviously what it needs to be.

See? Writing can have a great outcome or at least a bit of a spark of knowledge if I will just let it flow and "let it be."

Before || After
Older Entries
Memorial Day Blah - Monday, May. 28, 2018
Restless and Distracted - Sunday, May. 27, 2018
Home Alone and Loving It - Friday, May. 25, 2018
Funerals and Mother's Day - Sunday, May. 13, 2018
I Can't Think Up Titles Anymore - Sunday, Apr. 22, 2018
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