Estoy Nueces

There's a Bruce Robison song called "Angry All the Time." It is a very sad song about a marriage where he still loves her but she is "angry all the time." I've seen it in other marriages and I hate it when it is happening in mine. Don't worry. No need to panic and send in reinforcements, it's just a flash in the pan I'm sure. Sometimes I know it is me that is "angry all the time" but, goodness, tonight I know it wasn't me.

Mark got his hair cut by a barber for the first time since I've known him. He cuts his own hair and does a real good job. He's cut it shorter and shorter lately. My sister commented on "where's all your hair?" and I tried to shush her up thinking she was commenting on the male pattern baldness that smart women never mention. Today Mark went to a real barber and got his hair cut very short all over and trimmed up the neck. Very very short and cool for summer. It's fine with me but I truly had trouble recognizing him when I went to the club tonight. We were sitting outside talking and I covered the lower part of his face with my hand and said, "Man, if you got rid of the goatee you'd be completely unrecognizable, you could go incognito!" Mark said sternly, "Well, that ain't a gonna happen!" I said, "Good, I don't want you to get rid of your goatee." His response, "I can get rid of my goatee if I want to. You've changed your appearance since I met you, I can change mine if I want to."

I don't know where these switchback turns come from but they irritate me to no end. I don't know if wants to fight or what. If I could have left without having had to explain and not had a fight later, I would have walked to my car and gone home at that moment.

I did stay for the first set of the show to be polite and to hear "Dr. Blues" on the harmonica. The dancers were there in full force. Not just the ones I know but lots and lots of their friends and others I have seen at Speakeasy. My friend and neighbor K didn't come to the club tonight which (.... word I need . . . "turned" works but isn't the word I'm seeking. . .help me oh gods of writing. . . GOT IT!!) . . .which rendered me invisible. Weird. I bet ten people that I know and who normally would stop and talk to me walked right past or stood right beside me. Granted, I did have on glasses tonight and may have looked a bit different. People who I know that don't know neighbor K didn't stop either. Rather discouraging to be invisible. I was feeling grubby and low anyway so I came on home.

Another picking-a-fight conversation in the parking lot: Me, ". . .yeah, I saw the tall redhead that is at Speakeasy a lot." Him, ". . .the tall thin one?" Me, "Yes, pretty thin." Him, "she's not a redhead."

The weekend was a full weekend of sister and family here visiting. Maybe Mark and I are both just tired. I know I am. Those boys are great fun but they wear me out. Actually it's only when it is the whole family here that I get worn out. Just boys or just sister is okay. I didn't have any money at all over the weekend to do anything with the family. I bought groceries but couldn't buy any meals out. They bought us a nice lunch at the Magnolia Sunday afternoon and then some of us went to Texicalli yesterday and my sister picked up that one too. They are very generous and sweet.

My big big family reunion is this weekend. I keep trying to talk myself out of going but I know I will enjoy it and regret it for a year if I don't go---forever if either of my two dearest oldest cousins should die before the next reunion (very likely). It is going to be hot hot hot there and I hate to run up the credit card on a hotel room. I wish I had a good friend/cousin that could put me up. I certainly have a few that WOULD put me up but I would just feel too weird doing that. I think I will be the only one from my immediate family that goes this year. I haven't even asked if anyone is going. Everyone is always enthusiastic until the week it gets here and then they bail. They don't have as many years invested in the reunion as I do so it is easier for them to shrug it off.

I'm just full of bitching tonight, aren't I? Well, it is very good to get it out of the system Believe me, this is just a small portion of some of the frustrations I've had in this past week with co-workers, bank employees, dogs, relatives, e-mail buddies, etc.

I always wonder about entries like these. Will I look back eventually and go, "Gee, I must have had raging hormones that day because none of that mattered later." Or will I say, "Yes, that was the beginning of the big crack up." sigh Time will tell.