Estoy Nueces

I went to bed last night feeling pretty good.... and I hope that continues through the weekend. I felt like I had been "adulting" through the week (in a good way) and things were under control in my life. It must be an illusion, but it is an illusion I strive for. I always feel like all I can do on the weekend is clean house because it has gotten out of control through the week. This week I actually did a lot of cleaning through the week and washed a lot of clothes and sheets and blankets. It's not 100% -- I still have plenty that could be cleaned and I have thank you notes to write and bills to pay -- but I am less anxious. The doctor changed my meds a bit recently, but I don't think that should make any difference. Is there less worry because I'm not worried about Mother? I don't know.

Computers and technology have had me anxious this week, though. Mercury is in retrograde and maybe that was it. I had trouble getting computers to cooperate a lot. In fact, I never even got to use my work computer yesterday because I rebooted it and it wouldn't let me back in. I could not get it to recognize any password, even when I reset them, so it was very frustrating. I contacted IT, but they didn't even contact me back until the end of the day and when they reset the password, it still didn't work. F*** So Monday will start with having to do that. I can do a lot of work on any computer because the main software I use is web-based, thank goodness, and I don't have to be on company computers for that. But the other computer I was using yesterday was so freaking slow. I'd drag and drop something and it would take 11 minutes for it to finish it. I finally rewired and used my clunky PC that doesn't communicate well with this new monitor, but it was super fast so I stuck with it.

It has been super cool all week again. It's the kind of weather most sensible people would be out walking or working in the yard because it isn't hot and it isn't cold. Not me. I just stay inside like a hermit. Actually we have had rains so my yard is a mud pit again and I don't want to muck around.

I made a quiche yesterday. Not great, but warm food. I put spinach in it and that seemed to make it too -- something. It's not as dense as I like them to be. But, I repeat, it is warm food. Or cold food. I like my quiche cold, too.

I'm considering making some hot rolls today or some cinnamon rolls. I haven't made either in a long time. Have I even made them in this house? Maybe not. I'm still not comfortable in this kitchen. I have a family reputation for these and I'm going to see my nephew with the little girls today. One time I visited and one of them said, "Did you bring cinnamon rolls?" and my heart melted!!! Their daddy has told the girls that I make the best cinnamon rolls and they've remembered that--because I don't think they've had them very often. But I'm not sure if I have enough butter or cinnamon on hand. We'll see. I may just make hot rolls in honor of my aunt that died. Hers were the very best in the world and she could whip them up with no effort so they were part of every Sunday meal. I want to be like that!

There's lots of bad news in the world today. I wonder if people with different values and politics than I have see today's news and think that it is good news? Bills passing against transgender and women's rights and mass shootings and continued war in Ukraine and now let's add in Sudan. I'm clinging to Willie Nelson's 90th birthday today to remember that there are really good things in the world.

I have finally found a good notebook for some journaling (from my stash of many notebooks that aren't quite right). I want to get back to that. I've been cleaning out and re-reading old journals and diaries. The evidence is clear that I never change and I'll never be un-anxious and never get my house clean or my stuff organized. I remember my little grandmother in the nursing home fussing about her greeting cards in her desk and the letters she needed to write and how she needed to get organized... I thought at the time, "Geez, please don't let me still be obsessing over things like this when I'm 90!"

I hope I take Mother's attitudes a lot more. She very much became "easy" with where she was and had. My sister and I both wished that her apartment was cuter and decorated. We'd go down the hall and see someone with an open door and they had a real HOME behind that apartment door. Mom's always looked like a college apartment or something. We just weren't the kind of daughters that can make that happen for her. Well, my sister really is, but it would have taken more money. Mom would even say things about her messy place with a stack of newspapers beside her chair because she hadn't worked the Sudoku in them yet, and piles of Sudoku books (we sent over 30 to charity). But she didn't really fret anymore. Of course, she was on some good anti-anxiety pills that helped a lot, too.

Anyway, I want to journal a bit about my MOTIVES for some of the things I do. For instance, lots of people on Facebook are posting pictures of themselves with Willie Nelson. Since I'm in radio and in journalism and in Austin, almost everyone has a picture with Willie. And many of my friends even have closer relationships to him. So I'm debating whether to put a picture up with me and Willie. Do I do it to brag? Or to claim a relationship that may or may not be there? What's the point? Yet, I don't want people to forget that I was part of the In Crowd at one time. I guess (and here I am journaling here and not in a notebook) I don't feel like these other people are bragging. I see their pictures and the thought, Cool, they've had interaction with Willie. Maybe the reason I want to post a picture (or EVERY picture) is that I want to tell my story of how important HE is to me. We can all look back and see moments where our life really began to have meaning or took a wild turn that was unexpected or something. That's what Willie did for me at age 15? 16? I really do look back in amazement at the discovery of Willie and, from him, Asleep at the Wheel, Joe Ely, Marcia Ball, and on and on. And then how I ended up right in the midst of them all, even though I took corporate jobs and different paths because they presented themselves, I kept coming back. I guess this does give me some hope, insight... I know that time after time I have thought, "I'll never get to meet Willie again," and I've been surprised and shocked that another opportunity came along. Same with my career and going off on other paths and being brought back to the path with this music and these people. I often feel like I've gotten off that bus and now I'm alone at a bus stop hoping another interesting or utilitarian bus comes along to take me somewhere. Maybe my bus just went to get gas and it is coming around for me again. True, my chances of being with Willie again are slim because of his age more than my circumstances, but I didn't know Jack or Hayes or others in those early years and then they became almost that important. And even my husband... he filled a spot perfectly that led me deeper into that whole milieu. Maybe a new friend or opportunity will swing back around to get me in there again. Right now I don't THINK I'll ever get to live in Austin or the Hill Country again, but who knows? [this is good for me to think these things through and examine them]

So, okay, I'm going to post a picture of me and Willie. I'm going to appreciate where I've been and the joys I've had and focus on THOSE things in my past and now and in the future that thrill me. I'm going to keep journaling about that and see where this goes.