Am I blue? I have trouble deciding. Sometimes it is just a desire to not be here or not having to actually do work or something. I’m feeling like I want to go cook my beans for lunch and eat instead of working. Maybe I’ll go get a glass of water and eat a sweet and salty bar.

This is the time of day that Matt and Tara have their low voice long long long chat and it is irritating me. I have to put on spotify to block out the sound since I can’t hear what they are talking about.

Yesterday I licked and nibbled on a Xanax all day long and I think I need to start in on one now, too.

Mark was super grumpy and irritable this morning. Not much different from his usual attitude for the last 25 years, of course, but now I see it in a whole new light and will be glad that I don’t have to be the one to wake up to that anymore. He wrecked the car, they want to total it, he can’t find the title. I did look through my files just in case I had it, but it is mostly his problem to deal with. If he starts thinking about a new car I will remind him that that is going to have to wait until we are divorced. I don’t want any connection with his new car.

Which reminds me I really need to make a list of the things I must do and maybe take some time off to do them. Or a lot can be done at night or on the weekend. I can at least plan and try to handle canceling cards, opening a bank account, getting a lawyer, talking to Fidelity, etc.

I have acupuncture this afternoon and I hope it relaxes me some and prepares me for the weekend. And I hope Rachelle can recommend some natural nerve pills (or maybe I need to go to CVS and get those Nerve Pills I’ve bought before).

“Follow the leader ... and the leader is you.” Foxygen on Spotify

I’m hearing messages everywhere I go.