Estoy Nueces

I feel like writing this morning.... the weather is so nice. I sat outside a bit before the sun actually got above the trees and houses down the block that shield me from it for a little while. Beautiful temps in the 70s. Doesn't have that crisp feel like fall is on the way, but it is way better than it was.

I'm having some guilt feelings. You know how we all say we want our friends to call us when they are suicidal and we want to help them through that? I think we all agree we are willing. But then ... There is a young woman that is related to my ex-husband so I watched her grow up. Her family was uber-Christian and she was home schooled. She went hundreds of miles away to a religious college to study to be a missionary. She never became a missionary, but stayed in that community working at a coffee shop. She eventually has come back to Texas. She has had sexual identity issues for years and years and has cut herself off from her family, as far as I know. Now she's in her 40s, maybe living in her car? Or a trailer she bought and was going to refurb? But she has two or three big dogs so I don't know how either of those would work. As far as I know she continues to make her living by doing Door Dash.

She's a friend on Facebook and she is the master of the vague-post. She often posts selfies just looking into the camera without a smile. Where most people on Facebook get a lot of responses to photos, she gets none. She posts a lot of posts like "Today was the worst day of my life." Again, little response. Yesterday she posted something like, "I give up. It's not worth it anymore." One kind soul posted a sweet message to her. I posted a gif of "hang in there" with the cat.

I know I have big troubles with codependency. I want to fix things and tell her what to do and herd her into a job and a home, etc. But I know that's not good for either of us. I also fear her dependency on me. Years ago she asked us for a loan. We gave her a good hunk of money (for our budget) and told her it was a gift. We didn't expect to ever get it back anyway so we didn't want her to stress over it. I'm worried I may get that request again. Or a request to come live in my guest room.

I blame her family, but I also know that genetically there is serious mental health issues in her genes (and her mother's). Oddly, her next older sister had the same circumstances growing up, yet she had a burning desire to be an ER doctor and started volunteering at hospitals as a teen and joined the Explorers group that worked with EMTs. She became an EMT as soon as she could. Then she joined the Army and advanced her career and they put her through medical school. She also realized she was a lesbian, but took it in stride and married and has lovely children and a great home life.

So I worry (I say in my Jewish mother voice).

And my dearest male friend in Austin is drinking again and at (what he says) is rock bottom again. I think he rock bottom was a few months ago when he went on a bender after being sober for a while and lost his car. He complains and complains about the amount of work the company expects of him and is just overwhelmed in every aspect of his life. He swears he is going to retire in February, but he's threatened to quit every week I've known him. He was crying yesterday about just wanting to go home and see his dad (which he will be doing in a few weeks). Again, my codependency has put up with and allowed this for the last 13 years. I worry that pulling back would be worse for him. So I listen and try not to advise. He is SUPPOSED to go see a counselor today (I was excited about that until I found out he is actually just speaking to a guy that used to be an addict, but isn't a professional). We'll see if he does that. And Friday he SAYS he is going to an AA meeting. I truly expect tomorrow and Thursday he'll convince himself he's got things under control and he won't go. I'm a pessimist. He, too, talks about suicide enough to make me uncomfortable. Knowing him I don't think he would do it to himself, but that doesn't mean he might not mix booze and drugs and have a deadly combination. That would break my heart. He has plenty of money in his 401K and he has a half-a-million dollar house he could sell in a week. He does take some "comfort"(?) in that I made my giant transition in a matter of weeks. Going from "I'll move to Dallas in a couple of years" to "I'm moving as soon as possible" and getting everything done that had to be done. I keep telling him it is just a matter of deciding and doing that first step.

So that's where I am on this gorgeous morning. I should go for a walk, but I also need to jump on this radio show and maybe get to work at the regular job on time for a change.