Thursday, Sept. 20, 2018 9:59 pm
Mostly thinking of money
I was super weepy last night and this morning. I think a lot of it was from watching a great documentary on Amazon The Secret Life of Lance Letscher. He's an Austin artist I've heard of, but didn't know much about. He creates beautiful art with collage. Intricate collage. He was interesting and the art was beautiful, but what made me weepy was his nice relationship with his wife. They were in sync with one another and did things together. She supported his career and encouraged his art. I feel like I supported and encouraged for 25 years and it got me nothing. I mean, I didn't expect him to become a superstar drummer and bring in riches, but I would have thought he would have pursued his arts to a little bit more intense degree and found ways for it to benefit us more? I was thinking about things he did on this house 19 years ago, but then I look at the unpainted back door and the unfinished broken screens and things that have just been "good enough" for years and years. He's the one with the no how to have made them great, but he chose to spend his time with another woman smoking weed and watching videos and jamming. Yes, that makes me blue.
I worked from home today. I was scattered and pinging off the walls so I eventually took a Xanax to calm me down a bit and it did work. I quit being weepy pretty fast. Working here was nice in that I didn't have to wear headphones and I could just let songs play naturally and hear them as a distracted listener would hear them. I got a lot done really. Now I am lyric checking and trying to get in a couple of hours there. I laid down on my clean couch and napped for an hour or so earlier so maybe I can stay up a bit longer.
I need to pack a bag in a while and make a decision about what to wear to my sister's big show in Dallas Saturday. Doesn't have to be fancy, I just don't want to look like the fat slobby and sloppy sister that I usually feel like.
The rain today has been lovely. I may be facing some of it on the road tomorrow night.
On the big D front --- The lawyer has our paperwork and thoughts. I hope he doesn't start throwing questions and needing account numbers. I just want him to put it together and say, "Okay, I'm going to take this to the court Friday, any objections?" How great if we could get THIS part finalized before October and then I could get the house refinanced ASAP and move ON.
I don't know what I am moving on TO necessarily. I am trying to find my new path and figure out what the single life of Nueces is going to BE. I was trying to think this morning of what I did in my single days. There was no computer to sit in front of for hours each day. That was something. I gardened a lot. I cooked and experimented in the kitchen a bit more. I watched TV, read, did genealogy without the benefit of ancestry (which now seems like --- HOW???).
What would the ideal single life BE? I see me walking, taking a brisk early morning walk, maybe a leisurely stroll in the evening and knowing the names of neighbors. A dog? Surely not. Having time for friends to drop by and really visit and talk. My house clean and anticipating guests. Being able to jump in the car and go exploring any time I want to. Not being afraid of driving off to Houston to see a museum exhibit. Not being afraid to go downtown on a game day and hang out with tailgators I don't know. Being brave enough to go to a museum after work and spend some time.
Some of this takes money. I really hope that as the New Year begins I will have a lot more money in my paychecks because of Mark's medical dropping off of it. I want to increase the retirement account savings while I am not aware of it so much. Can I sock away that extra money? How much with the mortgage go up with the refi? But no other bills to pay. I just asked for a new garbage can so my cost there is going way down. I need to find those other things that can cut expenses easily. Hardly any effort expended. No bills, one paycheck going to mortgage. I may need a roommate soon and that would be okay. I could live with that.
Two cocktails (and palo santo smoke) have made me verbose. I am maybe going to go get another cocktail and get at least another half to one hour of work done. I just want to go to bed, but that's what I did last night when I was feeling weepy and didn't know what to do with myself. I need some hours. My paycheck from this gig was less than $100 today and that is no good. I need my regular check to go up with the new year (three months away) and this check to hold steady or be better AND get the doctor billed at the end of Sept so there is a nice check coming in October. I've got to replenish my STASH (I spent $20 as a tip today for the maid) and find more ways to save and to make money.