Thursday, Nov. 01, 2018 8:24 am
This is my first day of divorce.
I don't feel any different, it isn't any different from the last few weeks of separation and being on my own. But now it is official and legal and final. It does make me very sad that I am not going to finish my life with Mark by my side. I saw us happily in our rockers until death and by each other's side as we went through trials and tribulations and sickness and health. I even made a vow to that and I really do keep my vows.
It is true that the divorce was requested and carried through by me. He truly would have liked to have stayed married. But only if he could still have his girlfriend all the damn time. I could see that nothing was changing his mind on that and I couldn't put myself through that tension and shame any more. Thanks to Codependents Anonymous, I finally made it clear what my boundaries were and he wasn't willing to change, so here we are.
I'm not going to make drastic changes. I have learned through all these years that I am what I am and I am pretty happy with that. I will have more time now for writing and genealogy and drawing. Not only because of the divorce, but because I lost one of my side gigs last week, the one that kept me busy most every night. All I've done so far is watch TV and haven't gotten into my other habits yet. I do need to create some structure I guess. But I really am enjoying seeing some TV and movies I hadn't seen before. I finally FINALLY saw The Post last night with Meryl Streep and Tom Hanks. It was very good.
I haven't cried or really mourned this marriage. I think I did a lot of that way way back when I was at my most angry and frustrated. I take a lot of antidepressants and I'm sure that is part of my numbness. But I prefer numbness to the depression and anxiety so I'll stick with it. I do feel the sadness, my eyes do fill with tears, I'm just not on a crying jag and I think that is for the good.
I'm going to Dallas for the weekend to see my family. That will be very good for me. He doesn't have a key to the house anymore and I'm going to change the alarm so it is MY house now. Completely.
It was stormy and rainy yesterday afternoon after I got home from the courthouse. I napped and napped. The air got cold, too, and we are back in a more "winter" phase for a day. That fits my mood and the beginning of November.
I never got a Day of the Dead altar up this year. I guess there is still today and tomorrow, but I'm not going to do that. Maybe I'll draw a picture of my virtual altar for Willis, and Virginia, and others I can't think of, but I was at a lot of funerals this year. Uncle Jim, that's another.
I would just as soon not go to work today. I feel like I'll do a lot of sitting and staring at the screen. But I do have one program that must be done today to meet the deadline. After that I'm okay. I am going to Dallas tomorrow. I may just ask for another day off and go up early. I'm kind of worthless right now and I am allowing myself to be. I'll be back up and running sometime and I'm going to be kind to me until that feels like the thing to do.
D-I-V-O-R-C-E keeps going through my head. I never thought that would be us.