2001-05-16 12:33 p.m.
I don't really have a good reason for being down, just a combination of lots of things. I spent hours at the doctor's this week for a general checkup and tomorrow I'll have a mammogram and I'm going to get an ultrasound too. I hate all the phone calls that have to be made and then the only appointment they have open is in July and my insurance will be gone by then. So many details perplex me, confuse me and depress me.
Reading the book "Getting the Love You Want" earlier this year made me realize how money oriented my father has always been---if it can't make money for you, what is the point? They were here for Mother's Day and I heard three clear-cut examples from Dad about that attitude. One, we were driving out in the country and my mother and I were amazed by the beautiful green trees that lined the roadside. Dad's comment, "Yes, but these trees are worthless, you can't make lumber from them, they are worthless." Beauty, oxygen, shelter for birds? Worthless. That night he tells one of long-winded convoluted stories about a neighbor that grows a yardfull of beautiful flowers. He goes into great detail about the man's history, the layout of his lawn, his piles of compost and mulch, the types of flowers he grows, how he is always out there working on the yard and then concludes with, "Don't know what he does with all those flowers, don't know if he sells them or what." AUGH. I don't want to have that attitude.
I do find myself with that attitude or the American work ethic that Dad instilled within me when I think about doing something fun or creative. No, first I must clean off this desk and handle bills, or clean the kitchen or do something important. And, now that unemployment is looming, I've added the order "go find a job" before I can relax and do something fun. Logically I can tell myself that I don't have to do that but then my even more logical side reminds me that I can't maintain this house and our life on the wages of a grocery store checker, even working 20 hours a day all week, so I'd damn well get out there and start beating the bushes for work.
What have I done in that direction? Two weeks since the notification and I do have my aircheck in the process of being produced. The nicest part of having all of us lose our jobs is that our production guy is helping put our tapes together and making them sound slick. I have a couple of targets to get mine to this week, hopefully. Even if I could just get on as a parttimer quickly that would make me feel much better about the future.
Well, we've had six tomato plants sitting in the hot sun since we got home from Tyler last week and they aren't going to plant themselves. If I can find six sunny spots in our shady yards, I'll go plant them. Cherry tomatoes in the summer. Nothing better.