March 10, 2003 1:24 am

Swollen eyes/no more swollen Miss Toe

Sometimes I'm surfing the web and perusing others' journals and it dawns on me that, "Hey, I have a journal. Wonder how long it has been since I updated?"

The last paragraph of the last entry was quite telling. I brought up that subject with the therapist and opened a whole can of worms and feelings and tears and whatnot. It has been a rough few days.

The best news of the weekend is the appearance of six little bundles of joy in my closet. Miss L Toe finally decided to domino when we were out of town at a San Antonio gig. We suspected she was in that frame of mind, but we've suspected that before. It was very very cool to come home and sneak a peak in the closet and see six little fuzzy entities latching on to all the faucets Miss Toe could provide. Five are deep fuzzy grey, darker than she is, and one is a fish-out-of-water yellow tabby. I believe that one will steal Mark's heart and may have to remain in the household since it reminds him of his beloved Morris that died before I came into the picture, but had been a part of Mark's life for 15 years.

Nathan Jr. is quite weirded out by the whole experience. He will be in bed with us hissing and spitting and completely demon-possessed. He doesn't know what to make of these creatures and we're preventing him from making cat parts from them. Toe is protecting them fiercely. And, good Lord, the house reeks right now. I hate a house with a cat smell, but with the amount of cat body fluids that have been flying around from every orifice, the house is rank. I am calling a maid and a carpet cleaner this week, I swear.

Friday night Loretta Lynn was in town. I had planned on going as a participant, partly to see her (she's a legend, after all) and partly to see the opening act Anytown, which I think are terrific on their CD. When it looked like there might be tickets, I asked Mark is he would like to go, knowing his schedule on the calendar was clear. Sure, he could do that. I got the tickets, made him aware of it. Friday comes and now he begins backing out. He wants to know exactly when he has to be there, because he doesn't want to cut short his workday a second earlier than necessary. I call and leave the times on the answering machine. Hours later I still haven't heard from him so I call again and he acts like I should have known that he didn't want to go. No, he wouldn't go, No, he couldn't break free, No, he didn't really want to go in the first place. Nothing against ME or being with me, but, NO, he wasn't going to make it. Thirty minutes before a show is a little date to be calling around for a date.

I go on to the show, knowing by this point that I was going to be introducing Anytown from the stage. I looked forward to this since I did like the band and knew they would do a great job. I dashed to Stubb's after work, barely making it there in time for the show. The place was packed. Thank God we have such a devoted staff that takes care of me and acts as my entourage and calm me down in such circumstances. They got me to the stage, I met Anytown's Colby and Jason and then I introduced them. The reaction was incredible. People in the audience knew who I was! It was very high-inducing.

Done for the evening, I went for a drink at this point. My anxiety had a huge crush bearing down on my chest in physical pain. Whiskey helps. Then I find out that the morning man is not going to make it to introduce Loretta so I will be asked to do that, too. More anxiety. I enjoy being in front of an audience, but I would enjoy it more with more warning, not introducing a living legend, and not while I'm still angry at my errant date. I really only introduced her band and they introduced her and it all went well.

I watched a few of her songs, figured I'd had the experience and then went inside and sat and drank with two of my cool female co-workers from other stations that I've only just met and have begun to get to know. They are neat. I probably dominated the conversation since I was heavily imbibing in the whiskey, but I really enjoyed the talk.

I have been incredibly down and morose this weekend, stemming from news on Friday. I went to Kevin Fowler's website to see where he was playing over the weekend and saw that his former drummer had died. I just met Kris in December when he was drumming for Danni Leigh. He had come to introduce himself to me and said he loved listening to me in the afternoons. He was cute and energetic and impish and I thought he was so adorable. When I found out he was the drummer we found even more in common and then when I found out he was also from Amarillo we had tons to talk about. He was so full of life and friendly. I really hoped to see him again. Now I find out that he became depressed and took his own life last Wednesday. It has broken my heart that he could have been that low. I've talked to another mutual friend that had talked to him and really tried to help him in the last days of his life, so I know there was intervention, I only wish it had helped.

I think the news of his death added to the emotional upheaval of the visit to the therapist on Thursday has made this a volatile weekend. The shit hit the fan today between me and Mark and after lots of deep discussions and many tears, I am truly a basket case tonight. I don't know if my swollen eyes will ever be normal again. I put in an emergency call to the counselor for help tomorrow, if possible. I had almost gotten to the point where I thought he would be booting me from sessions because I obviously am well-adjusted and problem-free. Damn, life rears its ugly head and does a hammer lock (or some more appropriate wrestling term) on my bad self.

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Book Club - Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2014
A Good Saturday Ahead - Saturday, Jan. 18, 2014
Back to Work - Monday, Jan. 06, 2014
The New Year Arrives - Wednesday, Jan. 01, 2014
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