2001-03-09 4 in the freakin' morning


I was laying in bed, cursing myself for those two cups of coffee at work tonight, and going over the week and all that is going on in this stupid love triangle I'm in. I was also thinking how weird it is that I won't write so much of this stuff in my diary at home because it would be in ink and someone might see it, yet I spill my guts here where anybody and everybody can see it, some who know me quite well read it frequently. It is probably a very good cathartic thing to put it here. I still censor a lot of my thoughts and I don't think I put anything here that I would have to defend later.

I went to the counselor again this week. I left not thinking that we had covered much ground and bemoaning the money I was "wasting" on this goose chase. He had pointed out one area that made sense and tonight I had even more light shine on this area. See if this makes sense. Putting it down helps me think it through.

The counselor said it seemed to him, not having heard Mark's side of course, that Mark tends to avoid responsibility. I, on the other hand, am happy to take on the responsibility that doesn't belong to me and feel guilt over it when I don't need to. He related this to Mark putting off sharpening my dad's scissors until the last minute and then blaming me (and me taking the blame) for rushing him.

Tonight I got to thinking about this theory further and I think I can see how this relates to this other woman. When Mark has gone out to lunch with her and dinner with her he has asked "permission" to go to lunch with her. He never asks permission to have lunch with a guy friend or to run errands or have a massage or get acupuncture or anything else that he does except this and maybe going out to a bar when I'm not going with him. It seems to me that by asking permission he is making me be responsible for what he's doing. If I say yes, he doesn't need to feel guilt or shame or worry for doing it and if I say no he makes me out to be the bad guy that won't let him have fun. I did say no to his going out in January when we had just come home from Dallas and I had terrible laryngitis. He wanted to go out and asked if it would be okay. I said I would rather he didn't. He got mad and petulant and I ended up giving in. We talked about that some Sunday night and he said if I had explained that I was sick and wanted him to keep me company he would have understood and stayed home. I don't think he would have seen it that way at the time.

I haven't thought this through all the way and I may very well wait until I can talk it through with the counselor on Tuesday but I think I need to tell Mark and the B both that they are responsible for themselves and I'm not going to feel guilty for telling them that I think the calls and the frequency of meals together is beyond the boundaries. I'm going to tell them that they are exceeding limits I've set for myself in my marriage but I'm not going to tell them to stop it and I'm not going to tell them it is fine. They can do what they want to but there may be consequences to face from it later. (see, here's where I get caught up---I'm still going to be feeling anger and jealousy and they may very well go ahead seeing each other and enjoying their friendship and what are the consequences???)

I also went to the acupuncturist today and had a wonderful healing session. She has been the best listening ear I've had through this whole situation. She is a great counselor but I like that she sides with me! She put a needle in my chest and told me that I might be more emotional because of what she was doing this time. I told her that was all I needed at this time of the month. And then I began getting very weepy! It was the weirdest thing because I had not been emotional up until she put in that needle! She was very sweet and comforting and I think she was weeping with me some. She is a very compassionate soul. Then I was telling her some things and I told her that I had told myself that I wouldn't talk about these things in this session. She said she had put a needle in my throat that encouraged talking. It was doing its work! Weird.

I really hate dwelling on this all and hate finding myself slipping back into depression. I don't really want to go back to the mood elevators but I will if things don't make a turnaround soon. I'm exercising, I'm losing weight, I do need to eat more greens and vegetables for the sake of my health, I am drinking less (today anyway) at the suggestion of the counselor and I'm trying to keep a positive frame of mind. Mark leaves town tomorrow for a night and a day and I'll have some more time to think through all these things.

Suggestions and encouragement are welcome!

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