Monday, Mar. 15, 2004 11:59 pm
Birthday 2004
Physical. Inventories of life always seem to start with the physical. I am thinner and in better shape than I have been in at least the last five birthdays. There have been dips over the last few months when I've been a little thinner, but overall, I'm on a downward trend and eating better and paying more attention. I still would like to be more active and ENJOY getting out and walking (it would be easier if I had someWHERE to walk that had a purpose). I am pretty close the weight I was 20 years ago when I moved to Dallas and many 45 year old women can't claim to weigh what they weighed at 26 so I will see that as a good thing. I still have a "weighs" to go to be at my wedding weight of 12 years ago, but you need to have a goal so I will continue to work toward that one.
Enough physical. That is a small portion of life.
MENTAL. Well, it has been a rough year, I won't deny that, but it was better than the previous year. Having a purpose as far as employment goes helps put my mind in a better place. Having spent a great number of hours in therapy has at least made me aware of the rough spots around the edges of my brain and not let them turn into great chasms of discontent. I am not in a mental fog of antidepression medication and I am learning more and more about the connections of my physical and mental being. As far as the creative use of my mental capabilities, I still think I'm lacking and fearful and shorting myself. I would like to see my mental inhibitions fade away and allow myself to think freely in new ways in this next year.
SPIRITUAL. I've been thinking a lot more about this in the last few weeks. There is definitely a big gap in my life when it comes to the spiritual. I have a great many brain cells telling me what spiritual should be (according to the traditions I was raised with) and a few desperate ones feeling smothered and knowing that isn't the only kind of spirituality. Again, they remain inhibited and reluctant to explore new areas.
EMPLOYMENT. I'm pretty damn happy with work. I don't rush off to work with joyous anticipation each and every day, but I at least like what I do, I know I do it well, better than most, and enjoy getting better at it. There are parts of the job I like better than others, but they are a nice balance and I know I wouldn't enjoy doing my favorite parts all of the time.
FINANCIAL. Since work is going well, financial is going pretty well. I've been working on taxes and partially paralyzed with fear when I saw the tax bill. I thought that was the amount I owed. Finally discovered that it was the amount I owed for the year but did not take into account the amount I had had deducted and has already paid. Big sigh. I would like to have a better handle on our money and where it goes and why it goes and get more of the big debts whittled down and have something to show for the money, but at least it is not the meager exsistence it was not too far back and I can say bills are being more than paid and we mostly have money in the bank and are once again saving again.
MARRIAGE. Hmmm, wonder why the category of marriage didn't occur to me until after financial and employment? Things are going well with Mark and he makes me very happy. This has been a good birthday and appreciate him making the effort to give me what I asked for. At least this birthday we weren't discussing whether I had ever considered leaving him or not. I also appreciate him having a job again and contributing to the family financially. That makes a difference.
FAMILY. I mean other than Mark here. I grow to love my family more every year. My parents tend to bicker and pick at one another and I'm learning from that and hoping to avoid it in my marriage. But they are committed and love each other and do stuff together and I love them. My sister called from Ireland today and that made me feel very special. My nephews are growing up and are so fun to be around that I feel more protective and connected to them than I did when they were toddlers.
FRIENDS. Boy, here is where I have been blessed in abundance. I had some great friends in Dallas and in Amarillo over the years, but many were co-workers and more casual friends than I have found in Austin. I have the deepest friendships, both male and female, that I have ever had in my life and I have MANY of them. I keep thinking that I've got a wonderful bunch of friends and certainly I am satisfied, and then another one will come into my life, like my accordion teacher who has become so close, so fast! I am afraid I'm letting some slip away because I've got so many right now, but I also know some friendships are like tides and even though they may go "out" for a while, they are still there and will be back when they need to be back.
PETS. Let me throw this category in since I have never been a pet person and now I am in deep love with two special cats. Nathan Jr. is asleep at my feet right now and I'm sure Willie is not far away. Willie is usually the better behaved cat (he doesn't bat at my eyelids and nose at 6 a.m. in an effort to be let outside), but he is still kittenish and does tend to go flying through the house and across tables and eat flowers. Nathan has more maturity and knows when his folks need affection.
What categories did I leave out? I'm looking older, but I'm okay with it. I personally believe I look better than most women my age and I attribute that to not being a mother. I with I were more assertive and take charge in some areas of my life (make that most), but I don't know if this old dog can learn new tricks. I am happy that I've taken up the accordion this year and am expanding my mind in ways like that. It makes me aware that I need to continually be opening up my mind in any way I can in order to keep it functioning smoothly.
I haven't had a lot of sleep in the last couple of days because of rodeo and dancing and mistakes at work that had me back at the station at 2 a.m. this morning. I'm going to put this birthday to bed and rest easy knowing it has been a good one.