2001-03-10 Midnight

Blessed Relief

I haven't gone back to read any of my recent entries but I know they are full of angst and clothing-tearing and agony over all that has gone. I have done an about-face and I really can't explain it but I will try for my own record.

Thursday I went to the acupuncturist. I think I've written since then. She is a wonderful friend and counselor and sounding board. She did some different things on me this time. She also did more of a healing session than we have ever done before. Briefly, she had needles in me in various places and then she was working on my neck and head with massage, as usual, but she was doing some guided imagery (sp?) telling me to go into each part of my body and shine a light and if I felt pain to thank the pain and tell it it had done its job and it was free to leave. I was following her instructions, not knowing if I believed this or not, but when me and my light got to my heart I felt a distinct pain and I asked it to leave. She did some more healing touch--I guess what Reiki masters to--not touching me but touching just above me. I left the session feeling relaxed and uplifted as I usually do from a session.

That was Thursday. Thursday night I still commiserated with a friend on the phone and went over every hurt and fear again. Friday, yesterday, Mark was getting ready for his trip. He had gone to lunch. Another friend called and once again I was exchanging grievances and hurts. This certainly is not a great thing to do when you're hurting, although I don't quite know how to help it. You want support, you want a comforting ear. Mark came in just before we hung up.

Mark asked what we were talking about and I told him that it was this whole jealousy issue. He became mad again, thinking we had put this to rest already. I told him, no, I had become resigned to it but I still felt the same feelings. We launched another big argument but an argument that I felt I remained calm throughout and clearly stated what I was feeling. He did too and some of it hit me right between the eyes. Clearly, the issue was not resolved but he left town knowing I love him and trusted him and we weren't mad as he left.

I went on to work and then went on to have some drinks with co-workers but it was really before I had imbibed that my mind changed. I didn't logically change my mind or even really think about things, it was just a change and I was in a good frame of mind, no distrust, no fear, no jealousy and an understanding of how things are. I can't really describe how it is. Mark called not long after this point to see if I was all right, which was a very loving thing to do. I told him that I think things are going to be all right and I didn't want him to worry.

We talked again later in the night a couple of times and my feeling hadn't changed. Today, they are still positive and upbeat and I am looking forward to him coming home and us being happy. I bought peace offerings for him: Chocolate, a card, a pillow for his favorite chair and I picked flowers from my garden.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day once he gets home and we are talking this out more and finalizing what has changed. I sincerely hope I can keep this feeling and this positive-ness. I was truly ready to go get back on Prozac or Zoloft to overcome this bad feeling in my soul.

I don't know if you can say that R. the acupuncturist "healed" me or just gave me permission in my mind to let this all go or what.

I've written e-mails to the friends I've dumped this all on and let them know that things are back to happy and loving like they have been for 99% of the time these last nine years. They are all good friends and I know they understand the frustration I've gone through and are happy that it is resolved and over.

I'll go back to the counselor on Tuesday and clear the air about some of this and I hope I won't have to go back to him again. I hope I'm not rushing things.

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