Thursday, Jun. 10, 2004 5:57 am
Bad to Worse
Let's see...I've been worried over my marriage, my aunts and uncles, my friend's moving away, my friend moving in with her boyfriend, my friend not moving in with her boyfriend, my dead dog, my living dog, my cat's eye, my other cat's habit of waking me up at 5 a.m., my old neighbors and my new neighbors, the rain and the impending heat, my immobile neck and my too-mobile eye, my fat belly and my lack of appetite.
I've worried over about everything that I can scrape together and worry about...and my boss resigns. In these 500 or so entries, I probably have sung the praises of my good boss at least 100 times. I sincerely love him... as a person and friend, but mostly I love him as a boss. He's fair, he's honest, he motivates me and challenges me. But he's burned out and is giving it up. Obviously there are lots of factors, some of which I'm privy to and many that I will probably be surprised about later when I hear.
Bottom line... I am heartsick. This was our third job together and it may not be the last, but I hate the thought of the future weeks without him to call on when I need a boost or a hand. And I hate the thought of those at work who dislike him (and there are many) who will feel smug in his leaving. Probably as I have felt smug in his being there.
I had heard through Cotton that he had resigned. I was in my office yesterday when he came down to talk to me. I cried and cried. I don't make breakups easy for anyone. He came close to crying with me and told me what is going on in his life. And I have a feeling a lot of what he told me was told to only me. It is nice to hear a boss say, "I love you. I respect you. I support you." He said I am in his "gang" now and I will always be a member of his gang.
... since it is ALL about me (and it is my journal so you can't deny that) . . . this certainly did nothing to relieve the anxiety I've been having about everything. I lay in my bed the other night with my heart racing at 93 beats per minute and got up and found my blood pressure sky high. This forced me to finally get the well-woman doctor visit I needed to get, but it was two weeks away, so I called a regular MD yesterday, too.
I hadn't seen this doctor (my doctors sure get busy once I decide they are my doctor), but I really liked him and he really seemed to listen. He didn't worry too much about the heart and blood pressure when he heard about my history of anxiety and worries. And, now, of course, we're adding in this extra pisser. He prescribed Lex___ (lots of my google hits are another drug I've used before so I'll avoid that this time) that my mother and sister take, so we'll see (hopefully soon) how it helps matters. Meanwhile, while my good boss was telling me what was going on his world, I took a Valium because that brick on my chest wasn't getting any lighter.
I'm trying to look at the upside to the situation. One, of course, is he needs this break and needs to deal with things in his life and I don't know that his calling in life is the job he has now. And, two, and I told him this, I think we can be better friends if we aren't working together as boss and employee. There were personal questions in the last six months I wanted to ask him and once he started to ask me something and dropped the subject when he had a moment to think. If we don't have that hierarchy between us, we might be able to just be friends that can openly confide things. I don't know. We were professional friends before and when I called on him when I got fired, he was a great listening ear and cheerleader for me and listened to me sob for twenty minutes. Then we soon were in this boss/employee relationship. We will continue to have a relationship, I know, and I wish I were a little bit psychic to see how all this will work out.
Meanwhile, I'm up in the middle of the night examining it. If only my good earplugs would silence the voices in my head.