I'm glad I'm remembering to come here when I have that restless "I want to write" feeling. I keep thinking I need to do some handwritten journaling on the things I'm going through in life, but I haven't gotten that far. I go through a lot of analysis of things that have happened in life in my head and I even told about the swimming pool story from my childhood at the group Wednesday night, but I need to put more of it all down on paper.

Mark and I sat on the porch and talked today. First time all week we've talked. I have asked for an appointment with the mediator Thursday, but haven't gotten a confirmation. Mark said he doesn't want that to turn into a counseling session and I said it wouldn't, though we might feel more free to talk with a third party to moderate there.

I asked Mark this morning -- when he said he didn't want to move out of the house -- if he wanted to work on the marriage, but he said no. I think he is still just kind of hoping I'll give in and say, "Let's leave it like it is." I feel like doing that, too, because it would preserve my lifestyle and make a lot of things easier, but I also realize how much I've lost in the way of myself and my life and my joy in the last few years.

I listened to the Lukas Nelson song Find Yourself this week during my work and loved the line" I know the love that I deserve." I'm clinging to that line. Who knows if I'll ever find the kind of love I had from Mark in the early years, but I deserve someone to adore me like that. And even if I don't find THAT, I can love myself more and be happier without this pall of desperation that exists in this house.

I"m going to go down to Diana's for a hamburger and a swim. It is a super hot day so the swim may not last too long. We'll see. I want to come back and work and get some hours in (well I don't WANT, but know that I'll feel better if I get some hours in to start the work week for them).

Went out for drinks last night after work. That was a lot of fun. I really like doing that. I need to find more friends to do that with (that aren't in giant groups like D's friends). Got home and Mark wasn't here. He had talked earlier about all the work they were doing so I just assumed he was at work. He came home about midnight. Later I found a text (hidden among my phone's repeating texts) where he said he was going to go to dinner and then go see LD. So there's that.