Estoy Nueces

Plumbers did NOT show up Friday - assholes - so I canceled them. I talked to another plumber, too, but then got in touch with my home warranty. I hadn't even thought of it before and I'm glad my sister suggested it. So someone from their plumbing people will come Wednesday and we'll see what they say. I'm tempted to run a load of wash just to see what happens again.

Almost 1:30 and I'm still in pajamas. Everything seems like such a chore. I want to get dressed, but I really need to shower, and that takes time and effort.... Depression much?

I was thinking this week about the losses I'm grieving. I have gone through a lot. Not complaining outside of my own head and here, but I lost my marriage and constant companionship, I lost my wonderful cozy and happy home (and garden, etc), I lost MY TOWN that I loved and identified with, and I lost my friendship with Diana along the way, too. I also lost my JOB, first literally and then figuratively in that I haven't been with my coworkers and at the office in two years. I'm grateful there hasn't been loss in my family, that would do me in I'm afraid. Or if I lost a kitty. So I'm grateful for what I have and can see that none of these things I "lost" were too tragic and I have adapted, so I know I'm strong and resilient.

Also grieving a bit this morning for 25 years of memories that I shared. I saw a picture of an ocotillo. With Mark I could just say "ocotillo" and we'd have those same pictures in our head of being in the desert and wondering what that plant was. Rediscovering it with each trip to the desert. Seeing it in bloom or leafed out and how amazing it was when it did it. Wanting one in Austin, but knowing it wouldn't grow there, it was a treat reserved for the desert. None of that can be explained to someone. None can be relived with anyone again. It's just gone except for my memory and his memory, but never to meet again. sigh

Last night I began reading about the wreck of the Sea Venture again and it was a whole new story to me. I discovered it probably a month ago and was fascinated by my ancestors that were in this horrible shipwreck in Bermuda and married there and then returned to civilization to be the forebears of thousands... But then I'd forgotten as I rush to discover another story!! I am an addict that needs the new rush without appreciating the old. I rediscovered it last night and had to google until I found the full story again. I want to get it DOWN. Written or a painting or a poem or something that cements it in my memory that I come from that kind of stock!! Resilience and fortitude and whatever else words I can't think of.

I was looking up the word spooge this morning. That is a perfectly good word and the word Mark always used when there was something gummy or icky on something that needed to be cleaned off "It's got some spooge on it, here's rag..." I took the word up without really knowing it is mainly used for, well, gross, cum. Trouble is, that's still the word that comes into my head when there is a mess on the counter or a can has something gross on the top. It is spooge. I can't find another word that had that same meaning and that is frustrating. I must watch myself and not use that word around anyone that would know the meaning of it and be horrified that I would use it. Fortunately I think it is a bit of slang that people like my mother would never know.

I've promised myself that today I will find HOMES for five things that are currently floating around with no home. When things have a place I am happy to put them back in their place, but when there is no home they move around and frustrate me over and over.

Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen and did some things while listening to 2.5 hours of Cocaine and Rhinestones. I have another full episode available today that I can listen to while working. That does make work go better and doesn't let me go off doing something on the computer that misdirects my attention.