Estoy Nueces

I am still living in Dell Hell. I am grieving in so many ways lately. I am worried and grieving over my voice and whether it will ever be the way it once was. I'm grieving over my grandmother and the vagaries of life. I am grateful she has gone on and is free of pain but her death makes me so painfully aware of the deaths of everyone else I love and how they could be gone at any moment. And, I know you'll understand, I am grieving over this computer, dammit. I miss it so much. I feel like my hands are tied behind my back and I'm being held hostage.

Never got a call back Saturday. My IT guy from work has the flu so he hasn't had a chance to look at it. Today a guy from Dell called because I have a radio listener who works for Dell. This is one of those things that "normal" people don't get. And that infuriates me, too, that I have to pull strings to get help. But so far, this guy hasn't pulled any strings that I can see help me. I worked online with a Dell rep for over an hour tonight to have him decide it is yet another issue. I think the local guy is going to send someone to get the computer tomorrow and maybe in a week or six I'll have a refurb computer. And I've gone through all this with the top-of-the-line warranty, too! I won't ever pay for their warranty again, that is for sure. If I hadn't had the warranty I probably would have taken it to the IT guy at work and if he threw up his hands I would have taken it to a computer repair place. I bet I would have had it fixed and working in a week and it would have cost me less than the warranty did.

So I'm grieving for many reasons and depressed for many reasons. I'm also depressed because CGP is having some troubles of his own. I don't know what they are, but he hasn't even said "I'm sorry your grandmother is dead" to me yet. And yes, I told him I need sympathy. I got a nice note of "I'm there for you" but not really what I want or need. Makes me sad that I need it and sad that I'm not getting it.

I really feel like drinking tonight. I, of course, haven't given up drinking, but I haven't had but that one night of drinking this year. Don't know if I want to get back in the habit or not. I know I am craving it to kind of block my thoughts and frustrations.

Tomorrow I am going to work early in the morning for an interesting meeting. We will learn the results of our music testing, which is going on tonight.

I guess I haven't written about the Amarillo trip yet, either. My aunt and I flew together. It was a struggle the whole way because she talks very softly and I couldn't hear on the noisy airplane and my voice was so weak and she couldn't hear me either. I wore my voice out a lot. We got there Sunday and my friend picked us up and took my aunt to a friend's house and took me to lunch and then to my aunt's. I had a really great visit with this aunt. Her husband died last summer and it was nice to share some time with her. Her house is so lonely without my uncle. I missed him terribly while we were there. He really loved me, as does she.

Monday morning my sister and parents flew up from Dallas and we had the service at the grave. My cousin was the preacher. He has done the services for three of my four grandparents. This was not his grandmother, but he came in support of us. We had more of my mother's family there than we did of my dad's. The weather was perfect. It wasn't even windy and that happens only once or twice a year in Amarillo.

After the beautiful service we went back to my cousin's house. She is the one fighting cancer. She still looked lovely and was so gracious. Their family had delicious salads and bread and ham for us and my aunt had made three pies and a cake. Our family doesn't do things half way.

We all went to the airport together and flew to Dallas. There my aunt and I changed planes and came on home to Austin. I'm glad we flew and didn't have to drive that interminable trip.

I've been writing down some of my Mamma memories. There are so many of them.