Thursday, Dec. 09, 2004 9:40 am
Boring Throat Description
MAY: Normal breathing. But high anxiety. I had agreed to group therapy and it was quickly approaching. I was way over-anxious about "revealing" myself to a bunch of strangers, a thought that seems way over-reactionary now. I was having trouble sleeping through the night, I was waking up at 4 or 5 am and laying there awake worrying about everything for a long time. At work I was anxious about my show and was taking pills as necessary. The series was going okay, but I wasn't having fun at it and dreaded it each week, too. I was still seeing a therapist individually.
JUNE: June began with the interrupted sleep, but one night (about June 6) I went to bed and even after laying there a long time my heart wouldn't slow down. I clocked it at 95 bpm. I got up and took my blood pressure, too, and it was very high (like 160 or 110 or something, I don't remember now). This convinced me to get my appointment later in the summer with an OB/GYN. It wasn't going to be for weeks, so I got an appointment with my regular GP (or who would become my regular GP because it was a new guy). I talked to his nurse and they got me in pretty quickly to check on these things.
Coincidentally, the day I had the appointment, my good boss quit which really sent me into a depression and high anxiety before I even got to the doctor. He was very sympathetic. He didn't see any problems with the blood pressure and was mainly concerned with the anxiety. Rather than continue using Xanax as needed, he put me on Lexapro, which two family members take with good success.
June continued to be rough with the leaving of my good boss and the uncertainty of the future. Lexapro hadn't built up enough to help either.
I don't know when my first check-up appointment was, but I think it was in about 3 weeks. At that appointment I said I was having all sorts of trouble breathing and felt like I was on my last gasp of air. They did the breathing test where you breath into a tube and my lungs were fine so they didn't seem to care anymore about it.
JULY: July started with all sorts of added anxiety as the rumors abounded of the upcoming new boss that I had had troubles with. My sweet uncle also died on the same day I went to talk to the big boss about his hiring plans. I cried and cried to him, so obviously, I wasn't medicated yet.
Now is when things become a blur and I don't really remember when the breathing became such a big issue. It got worse and worse on the air and in my commercials and I was beginning to notice it. Outwardly, I was feeling better with the drug and sleeping soundly and doing okay. No sex drive, but who needs a sex drive. Not that that didn't contribute to the anxiety that was being repressed, of course. By September the new boss was here and I was still breathing with difficulty.
I've lost track of when some of these other things happened, but I did go back to the doctor in late October and told him I wanted off the Lex to see if that helped. I was off by Halloween. Still not breathing the first week of November because I told two people on my Race for the Cure team about my troubles.
Several people had suggested acid reflux as a problem, which seemed unlikely since I hadn't had any stomach trouble or heartburn. But I read up on it and it did sound likely and my cousin had a similar problem that was related to acid reflux. I started taking Mom's Tagamet. On a day or two it seemed like things were better, other days no change. I started reading about the Alexander technique and reading about vocal cord dysfunction, but didn't take any action until we got back from Thanksgiving and I got this appointment for today.
When I get up in the morning, I don't feel like it is going to happen. My throat is relaxed and "normal." But when I try to speak, even to Mark, it becomes constricted and strained. Sometimes at work it gets worse through the afternoon. It is a pain to even converse with someone and they can hear it too. It is especially bad in commercials where I'm trying to be forceful and say a lot in 30 seconds.
This didn't go away when I was relaxed on the cruise, but it did go away one day when I took a big Xanax just before I went on the air. I was sleepy, but didn't have the difficulty.
I am not confident that anything will change today. I expect a good thorough check-up of my vocal cords though (I hope he even uses a laryngeal scope). If there is a node or a polyp then there are things that can be done. If there isn't, this doctor may just send me back to my own for more meds. I hope this doesn't drag on for months.
My worst fear is, of course, losing my job from this, or not being able to keep my job because of this. But I also have the goal of doing more commercial work away from the station and developing my business there. That is dead in the water until I can get this voice calmed and unconstricted.
That is where I am today. Bummed, mainly.