1999-12-04 01:50:07
I'm freakin' wacky
So anyway, where was I as I was writing this before the big blackout? I think I was writing that I had nothing to write about, so I guess that was a blessing to have the computer go off because now I had something to write about.
The husband is out of town for the weekend so I am going to try to accomplish something. I would like to go see a movie and considered calling a person I don't know very well but I am too shy. Maybe I'll go see a movie by myself. I don't mind doing that at all. I just don't know if there is anything I'm that interested in seeing. When Stuart Little comes out I want to take the nephews. That was one of my favorite books as a child. Any book that had little people or small magical things was a big hit with me.
I was really struggling with the ADD at work tonight (attention deficit disorder). I would look at my work load and the time and I'd think, "cool, I'll could be through by nine o'clock" and then I'd start in on the next shift and find myself surfing the internet every third break in order to find something to talk about on the air and I'd be off on a tangent. When I'd finish that shift (eventually) I'd check my work load and the clock again and I'd think, "Okay, I can be finished by ten if I really pump" and then I'd surf some more. I got through at midnight, which really wasn't too bad. I wish I could just stick to task and do it though but when you've got NOTHING to talk about on the air, you've got to find something.
While I was working I made a list of things that were niggling at me to get done. There are about 27 things on the list. Now that I reread it there are things I don't even understand what I meant--"Our Generation, gifts for girls, bd. chst better" Oh, well, I guess if they niggle at me again I'll write it more clearly.
Tomorrow I am going to a therapist for almost the first time. I'm really nervous and that is probably why I haven't gone to bed yet. I have great fears of revealing the "real me" to people and I know that is the primary task of a therapist. Don't think I'm nuts, because I don't think I am, really (despite the EstoyNueces name of this site). We'll see if she makes me feel nuts. I'm going to a woman. I had a list of seven to choose from (from insurance) and had no idea how you go about choosing one. I felt like I'd like a woman better. I forced myself to not hold this woman's last name against her. It isn't "foreign" but it isn't Smith or Jones and I have a tendency to judge people on things like that. She was the closest so I'll give her a shot. Full report tomorrow.
After the appointment, if I'm not all puffy eyed and miserable, I'm going to go visit my grandmother and do some Chrismas shopping. Mamma lives in far north Austin and I haven't been up there in a couple of weeks. She's 92 and getting more feeble everyday. It is frustrating to see her not helping herself. She lives in assisted living now and mostly lays in bed and complains. She doesn't want to be in "nursing home" but that is going to be where she goes next if she doesn't get out of bed and live. I don't want to be 92 myself. Hell, I can't get myself out of bed some days at 40. If I were alone and didn't have a job to go to, I'd probably stay in bed all day too. Except I'd watch some TV. I can't even get Mamma interested in the TV. She says she likes Dallas but "this year they've changed a lot and it isn't as good." I think my 100 year old granddad in Oklahoma is almost better off than she is. He's in a nursing home and mostly has no idea where he is or what's going on. If I'm going to be 100 I'd rather be like that. Maybe. I don't know. I was reading today about Buck Steiner's 100th birthday at Threadgill's last night. I wish I'd gone. Buck is the owner of a boot store on LaVaca. We stopped by there on our honeymoon and I have a picture of me and Buck when he was much younger and I was MUCH skinnier. He was a sweet old sharp man then and it sounds like he hasn't changed that much. If I could be sharp and fun at 100 I might want to be 100. Hallie Stillwell is my hero. She died at 99 out in West Texas. If you don't know who she is you should read "I'll Gather My Geese." It is part of her autobiography. Sweet brave woman. Maybe I should make me a bracelet: WWHD? What would Hallie do? I know she wouldn't be laying in bed being depressed or starting projects that don't get finished. Or, for that matter, drinking beer and writing on the internet and listening to RealAudio's KFAN out of Fredericksburg. Okay, I win, I'd rather be me.
I'm almost at the one month anniversary of writing this journal. For those of you that may have encouraged me in this effort (and might still be reading): Thanks!! It may be getting more stream of conscious and maybe less appealing to read, but it is fun for me and there is something about the fact that someone somewhere might be reading it that makes it even more worthwhile.
I've got to go finish some of the journals I was trying to read at work tonight.