Friday, Dec. 29, 2006 11:54 am

Disappointing visit

I am SO full of malaise. I don't know if or when I will begin to feel a spark and get busy once more. I don't feel like this is depression over Daddy, though I am sure that is is. And depression because of the end of the year. I always have that a little.

And there was some depression yesterday over my visit with my friend B. I had told her (asked her) to come see me instead of coming to the funeral for Dad. Next thing I knew she was already here to celebrate Christmas with her family when I wasn't here. That was, of course, fine. I figured I triggered that and she decided to come make it all one trip. I asked for a day off at the station so we could have a good full day just to catch up. She never did really respond to my "keep Thursday open" emails, but I talked to her and she seemed clear that I had the day off.

Wednesday night after work I went up to see her. We talked a bit (and I drank wine, it was a hard day) and she told me that she and her boyfriend had broken up again. They broke up two days after Daddy died, so that was what prompted her to flee Ohio and come to see us instead. She knows I didn't like him and she knows I am thinking "I told you so," but I let her tell me some about it. She was very good at listening to my Daddy stories and I appreciated that. She's gone through it with both parent's and their cancer, so she knows. Her brother and sister and his girlfriend and the neice and nephew all came home and we played games for a while. That was fun except her brother is SO competitive and a little hard to have fun with sometimes.

So yesterday was our day together. I slept late, because my stupid phone woke me up TWICE in the night... once because of an alarm I had set and never unset and then at 6 a.m. it beeped because it was out of juice. I finally got up and she called and was on her way to the coffee shop. So I got dressed and ran up there and met her and drank coffee. She cried and told me about the boyfriend story more. Then we went over to the pizza place I like on Sixth and ate in their nice mostly quiet atmosphere and talked more. She cried and cried over this jerk that broke her heart three (or four?) times this year. I felt so bad for her.

It was a late lunch and then we went to Book Woman and a fabric store and Office Depot. I kept asking her if there was anything she wanted to do or places she needed to go and she just said she didn't need to shop. Well, I wasnt' really shopping, I was just going places, but I felt like I was putting her out so I took her back to her sister's. I visited there a minute and then she said something about them going out to dinner with her neice's father at 5 p.m. so it was apparent that the rest of the day hadn't been scheduled with me in mind, so I went home. That bummed me out. I didn't know what we would do, but I was enjoying her company and I think it was good for both of us to talk. Obviously, she is depressed and dealing with all of this and her brother's death and un-dealt-with ashes, but I am depressed, too, and in need of her friendship. Oh well....

I did hear from friend the drummer, Connie, yesterday. I hadn't heard from him in a long long time and that was nice. I'm afraid we just don't have that much in common anymore and our friendship is probably going to fizzle. Oh well...

There were so many frustrations at work on Wednesday I dread going back today. One saleswoman is pitching to two of the skankiest bars in town a deal where a jock will be there for a one-hour live broadcast (one on Fri, one on Sat) and she's trying to talk me and my traffic girl into committing to these deals for 10 weeks. She dangles that $1000 like it is the moon, and it is a nice chunk of change, but for the work involved and the complete cancellation of yet another night of my week (and a weekend night at that), I don't know. I am using Dad's death as my trump card a lot and I said there would be a lot of trips to see my Mom and I didn't want to commit to a Friday night every week.

I was also pissed when one of my live account clients suddenly had recorded spots that I was expected to record for free. I emailed the rep and she said that those didn't HAVE to be me (but, of course, she wrote that on the order, plus there was no script). IRRITATING.

And then, the old man that does weekends for us that is a total unadulterated wuss, was filling in for the night guy that is on vacation. He did the weekly countdown, except this is the year-end countdown. The idiot didn't sell each song... he played FOUR and then said That was 15, 14, 13, and 12 on the countdown. What a complete idiot. You'd think he would have at least come and ASKED me what to do. But he did it and left. I found it and thought about just doing the whole thing RIGHT myself, but decided I do that too much and that isn't my job at all and who the fuck is listening to us at night this week anyway? So I left it.

So, right now I am mad at just about everybody. Is this the anger stage of grief? I don't know. I'm not mad at Daddy or God this time, just all the idiots I work with and a few that call me.

Mark is still gone and I miss him terribly. I am not accomplishing a thing with him gone. I was determined to write two thank you notes today, but I can't find any decent paper. I did write a letter to my uncle in the nursing home, so I have crossed one thing off of my list.

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Older Entries
Book Club - Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2014
A Good Saturday Ahead - Saturday, Jan. 18, 2014
Back to Work - Monday, Jan. 06, 2014
The New Year Arrives - Wednesday, Jan. 01, 2014
Engaged - Monday, Dec. 30, 2013
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