Monday, Dec. 17, 2007 11:52 pm

Judy

This had been a sad day of remembering Judy. Tomorrow Mark and I will go to Amarillo for the funeral on Wednesday. I took Mom to Waco and the boys picked her up there and took her home. They are going to take her to the funeral, but the last I heard they were going to leave early Wednesday morning instead of tomorrow. I am staying out of it. It's not my boys, Mother can ask herself if she needs to go earlier (or get a ride with someone else). . .it's not my dog. If she hadn't forgotten medicines she needed she could still be here and riding with us up there tomorrow. I feel guilty guilty guilty.

And I'm concerned over my sister's well being. I googled and found this:

It would be nice to be able to help your sister out of whatever hell she is living in. But my concern is for your welfare because you are the one who wrote to me. . . . But I do think your life will improve if you dig deeply enough into your feelings about your sister to recognize the sadness and loss that are there. The sadness and loss are there because you were hoping your sister would turn out a certain way and she has failed you. She has turned out a different way, and quite willingly at that. There is still hope that she will change, of course. But right now, whatever infantile family drama she is playing out, you can't change it. If you break down this castle she will build another one. She feels compelled to do it.

Maybe knowledge of this will break in upon her. But you can't make that happen.

You can't have your sister the way you want her. You can only have her the way she is.

I don't know what is going on with her and she won't talk about it and, like the example above, I don't think I want her to talk about it. Yet she drags me into it by not talking about it.

So, I am bummed for many reasons tonight. I am grateful that Judy is not suffering anymore, but she had been managing through the sickness and tiredness and weakness for so long, there was just this feeling that she would continue that way for a long while longer. I saw her in September and she was weak and listless, but she was still Judy, laughing, smiling, making jokes with us. She's precious and loved. And she leaves a big hole that can't be filled.

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