2001-03-29 12:55 a.m.
Speakeasy and the dancers
This afternoon I did laundry and dishes and put a new collar on Alex (a pretty purple one) and the dogs tracked mud into the house onto the white berber carpet.
Work was better because the server problems have apparently been solved. It was so extra-bad during the day (before I got there) that the boss bought several cases of beer to help the drones through their day. Is this a great job or what? I worked through the evening drinking beer while I worked!!! This is like radio plus ten!
What I thought a lot about writing tonight was the gig at Speakeasy. I went to see the band and the place was packed with dancers tonight. Teachers I've had at dance class that I've never seen in a club and many many more. Unfortunately, tonight I was not really dressed to dance. I had on a heavy turtleneck and sweater because of the could weather and boots with heels. It really didn't matter much in the end because the dancers are such snobs. No, hold your "Pecan, you should get out there and make friends" speeches because this is my diary and tonight I would rather just bitch even if that isn't okay with you.
No, I don't get right down amongst the dancers. I've done that in the past and it didn't seem to increase my chances of dancing. No, I'm not the best dancer in the world but I have been taking lessons and trying to improve but it will be impossible to improve unless I get to dance. There were at least four guys there that I have danced with and several more that have seen me dance so it wasn't like there weren't people that knew I knew how to dance. Even my own dance teacher didn't acknowledge me tonight. The female teacher did and made me feel good but she isn't going to be asking me to dance, now, is she?
I did dance. Don't think I sat like a lump on a log. A very handsome tall man named Bruce asked me if I knew how to dance and we danced. He was from St. Louis and relocated to Austin because he had married an Austin woman (who was out of town on business tonight). He didn't like Austin one bit. Austin didn't have near enough live music to satisfy him ( HellO??? live music capitol of the world??) We danced several songs and I had some trouble keeping up with him. He was a good dancer and a good leader but I wasn't as good as he was. He did do one thing that DRIVES ME NUTS from men. If you are the lead, men, don't ever ASK what dance your partner wants to do (i.e. Do you want to do a quick three step or a double two step?) I didn't even know what he was asking. Just lead and I will follow, dammit. I had already said something about Mark being the drummer but the guy apparently didn't hear me. He asked, "So are you married or engaged or anything?" I said, "Yes, I just told you, my husband is the drummer." That apparently dissolved any enthusiasm he had for me. And, yes, he was married. We danced a few dances and then he left for the night. I was sweating like a pig in my sweater anyway so it was just as well.
I watched these good dancers and so many of them tonight dressed in outfits from the 40s and 50s and looking so cute. I came to the realization that I do like to dance and I enjoy it but I will never be part of this group of dancers and I will never participate in this "costuming." It's cute and I like it and admire it but I can't do it. I have never been a good actress and anything I have ever done has had to be "me." You may say I act on the radio but it is still "me." I'm the same way with dancing. I don't want to wear 40s clothes and try to be something else. I think that is why I liked when the band played at Ego's. Nobody wore the garb there--the dancers were in shorts and jeans and t-shirts and were relaxed.
So I stayed about an hour and could see I would only be dancing if I actively pursued this and I didn't have the mood for that tonight. So I walked back up Congress to my building and, once there, discovered that the show had just let out at the Paramount and the line to get on the elevators at the garage was going to take forever. Kind of stumped, I decided I could at least go into my office and look at the internet or something. I start in and run into three male co-workers who had left earlier to go drinking. They were thrilled to see me and said they were there looking for me because they wanted to come see "my boy." I said, "I'm going to be here 30 mintues with this line anyway, let's go back." So we went back up to Speakeasy and I talked the doorman into a discount for us all since he is beginning to get to know me. DM bought all the drinks for us and we stayed for almost another full set and had a real good time.
I am seeking a passion in my life and I can see that dancing is not it. Being with friends and drinking beer may very well be the passion I'm seeking, though.